Feels Like Home

"Not all who wander are lost" Tolkien

Remember that scene in Jerry McQuire where he stays up real late and he is writing down all his thoughts in to this big Mission Statement and he puts it out there and everyone thinks he is crazy but maybe in the same way they also think he is brilliant.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a string of those moments. It seems sometimes that I embrace that notion. The way of being and of living on the edge and having such a passion for something that it makes you abandon all other things that are hindering that one thing. I think it is that passion that often makes me unable to prioritize effectively but at the same time has allowed me to accomplish so much.

I find myself tunneling my way through the maze and at times feelin more lost then anything else. Perhaps that is ok. In order to find your way through a maze you can't have fear about being lost. You just have to plow your way through seeking hard after the prize at the end. It doesn't matter so much that you can't see the prize then. What matters is that it is there...It is real and it is worth feeling, well at times, little and lost and small. That is in a way more of what the maze of life is about. Maybe we aren't really lost though. Because we are not really alone in this walk through the maze. Maybe realizing that we never were alone is what it is all about.

The concept of being alone is hard. I find myself sometimes gripped with the fear of being alone. I wonder as much as I know I am not alone and never have to be because of Jesus that I still struggle in the desire to have that one human relationship which will satisfy me. I know of course intellectually that no one is completed by another human being. I am complete on my own and perfect only in Christ and that Mr Right will only be able to in many ways to perfectly complement me. He will be the one, of course, that God has planned and in that way he will be perfect.

The struggle is always nonetheless always there until I rebuke it. I mean I am human and have a desire and a God given desire to be a wife and mother someday. I don't believe for one minute that God does not desire to give me the desires of my heart but I also know because he loves me more then anyone that he has prepared the prefect time. To quote my sister..I jest you not...She said this today "I hate being patient, it such a waste of time"

And so here I am in that place....That waiting place....I feel like I am wandering...But I am not afraid..As much as I would like to be angry or sad or confused...I know I can't...Because He is holding my hand.

posted by Kate @ 2/24/2004 10:33:00 PM