Beauty for Ashes
The semester is two weeks short of being over. This semester has seen me gain many new titles; among them, Aunt and Girlfriend. I know that God is stretching me in the way that I see myself and the ways that I allow others to see me. I have been reading Beauty by the book by Nancy Stafford. It is a wonderful book which talks about seeing ourselves as God sees us. The author is a former Miss Florida who struggled in this area.In two weeks I will be moving back to the Tylers and then a week later I will be flying out to see the boy. I am beyond excited about the trip, I felt God was calling me to trust him, to take the trip, to purchase the ticket. So far finances are still really tight though so that is a constant struggle, to put it back in his hands. While I am there I will be blessed to see Phil's sister marry. I am overjoyed at being able to share that day with him. I am also overjoyed to finally meet all of his family and get to spend some time with him. I will be there almost two weeks. Again a step of faith to trust God to provide financially taking time.
I am also struffling despite my medicine with migranes and numbness. It has crept back in, the sharp pain in my head and my whole face feeling prickly. It makes me crazy sometimes. I just want to feel normal, not have to worry about what is causing it all. So far, no one really knows concretely, the MRI was normal. My bloodwork has the last three times always shown unusual inflamation but still nothing conclusive. So i just live my life trying to deal.
Being sick all the time sometimes gets frustrating. I know that things could be worse. For the most part when i eat the right kinds of foods and taking my medicine I feel pretty good. Sometimes though I just wonder, and I think about how it was profesied over me that I would be a healer and I think about Moses and how he had to be a man of faith and how so many never saw the promise land because they lacked that faith. I wonder why God hasn't yet moved. I wonder if it is my lack of faith or if it simply isn's his will right now.
I think I struggle with feeling beautiful and I struggle because I see all this stuff in my life, I feel sometimes so broken. I think of God in his mercy and grace and how he brought Phil and I together and it takes my breath away. God allows him to see me as beautiful. God has brought him to me, and every day he builds me up.
Everynight the last thing I hear is Phil on the phone and after we pray there he is telling me that he loves me. Every morning I wake up and remind myself that it isn't a dream. I dont' deserve what I have but still there it is.
I think on my past, the ways in which I felt I was unloveable, the ugliness I saw in myself. I think of that and I think on these verses;
Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
I think for so long I had been there in the ashes with no hope, I felt a deep grief. I still stuggle to not see myself apart from that emptiness. I know though that God wants to restore me. He desires to create a new thing in me.
Recently I started serving on the worship team. I was hesitant to join. I had many reservations but I decided to step out. I think though he has in that continually clothed me in that garment of praise. Literally as I am clothed in praise, I have been priveledged to have extra time each week before the service starts and as we reherse to get close to my father. By the time the service starts I am already at his feet. It isn't about being in front of the congregation, it is about entering in and allowing him to use me to help others to enter in as well.
Who am I that I should be clothed in that way? Who am I that I should have anything but ashes. It isn't anything I have done. I know though who my father is. I know where I belong. I want to be called an oak of righteousness and I am not there yet, perhaps now a sapling for the Lord.
I think and I reflect on the end of the semester and how far I have come. I think on it and then I think on how he is not only building me up but a certain person I care very much about. I think on that. I think about getting on a plane. I think about what the future holds. I think on these things and I think on the one who has given me more then I could hope for. I don't understand why I have what I don't deserve, I don't know why he loves me. But what I do know is that even though I want to overthink everything, this much is true;
Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
posted by Kate @ 4/30/2006 08:40:00 PM
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