Feels Like Home

Lately I have found myself really excited to be where I am. I am overjoyed at the things God is doing. Unfortunantely when I think of the future in practical aspects, not in the aspects as to God will take care of it all, I am left with a lot of uncertainty. Doors keep closing as to where I am going to live next year. I don't want to be home for the summer but I probably won't be able to afford to stay in Oswego. I can't work at camp because I have to complete an online health and safety class before I student teach. I could work anywhere as long as I could be back mid august to take the exam at school and I had access to the internet. I hate being so far away from Phil and I hate that I miss him so much.

I remember being independent and free adn single, and I hated it, but this hurts a lot. A lot of the time I don't feel prepared for where I am. I think I had convinced myself that I was fine being single because I wasn't ready. Now I realize no one ever is really ready. God just gives us grace. I have a hard time being where I am right now, believing the truth of it. I think part of that is the reality of trying to make it work from a distance. Something about his being here reinforced things and now that he is gone it is more difficult. I wish I could spend my summer near to him but I know the reality of that is it simply is a practical impossibility. Then again nothing is impossible with God. I need him-Phil, that is because God has brought him to me, and so if God can bring us in closer proximity, even just for the summer, and in the autumn we are further away, it would be a great answered prayer.
I fight with the selfishness of it all. Wanting to be with him. Wanting more then the phone. I know God will give us grace. I just feel like although things might not be simpler, I would really be blessed to spend the summer near to him. There is something to having him to talk to and to sit with. To take walks and to spend time together. We make it work, we pray every night but my insecurity and my sadness are so great. I like spending time with him. I think that is understandable.

OK ...rant over..if anyone wants to pray for me..thatd be cool.

posted by Kate @ 4/02/2006 01:02:00 PM