Feels Like Home

"Not like spiritual social butterflies, but for meaningful growth"-Djere

Well kids...
It is time for a well needed update. A real update if you will. I have been struggling...and I mean struggling in so many areas of my life. I think though when it comes down to it I know what I need to start doing and when I make steps to do those things I think that things will get easier.

I love where I am living now. It is a fairly stable supportive household and most of all it provides me with a much needed routine. My routine this week has been somewhat disrupted by an insane new habit of waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning. I am hoping this will pass because it really isn't my idea of a picnic. I haven't been home to Adams much since I came back to Oswego. I think that even though I am really struggling and frustrated it is a sign of growth. I want to look back at this time as a start of something new, something fresh and not have to look back anymore with excuses and regret.

I need some help now. I am making steps to do something that I haven't done before. I am looking to change old habits of procrastination. I am also looking to increase the level of accountability in my life. One of my old habits had been to only depend on people or look for people in crisis. Actually if given my way I wouldn't need them at all. I know it might seem silly if you know me. I mean i am a freindly person and outgoing in nature. Their is something deeper though that isn't seen. It is the part of me that doesn't do well with the jokes and sarcasm that is part of most of my peers social interaction. I know if I am in a pinch or I need prayer that I can depend on them. I think though that I can't just depend on people then and only then. I need to allow God to put me with the people who are going to build me up and who i can build up on a regular basis.

This is really scary for me. I know i have a tendancy to be too clingy, to try too hard, and I have been hurt or taken advantage of as a friend so many times but I can't dwell in the past. He has said"Behold I am doing a new thing" and that is the great thing about the new things. They are new. God loves new things and I don't have to always be the person that I was before.


So ..practically..this means studying and reading and doing all the things I put off and also as things get caught up and managable; taking time to be with my brothers and sisters in Christ and being there for them too. I know it won't happen overnight and I thing I owe many of you apologies for my actions in the past, I am sorry for being selfish and at times just stupid. I know that if God is going to work through me that I must choose every day to be more of who He created me to be.

I know that a big part of that is believing what other people have chosen not to reienforce in my life. That is the idea that I am complete and whole in my fathers love and that in him I lack nothing. Whether I am the one everyone calls to hang out with or I spend the next 10 months with nothing but me and my work and God. I am important to the One who created me perfect. I can do nothing to change the way that he feels about me but I choose to do better because it will honor him.
My prayer today is that for all of us: We will use or lives as worship and to give honor to our Creator in heaven. That we will extend grace to the unlovable, we will lay hands on and He will heal the brokenhearted, we will depend more on Him and who He is and less on us and who we think we should be. Less striving and more peace. Faith that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.
*katherine

posted by Kate @ 9/17/2004 11:50:00 AM